(holding leash, checking watch) Buster. We’ve been circling this hydrant for seven minutes. It’s 6 AM. My coffee’s getting cold back in the car.
Buster ignores Jamie completely. He sniffs in a tight circle, then squats slightly—then stops. Resumes sniffing.
Oh no. No, no. You had the perfect squat. Why did you abort? Pooping Dog Script
Don’t look at me when you do it. That’s weird.
Buster squats. Jamie holds breath. After three seconds— (holding leash, checking watch) Buster
Buster trots three feet to the left. Sniffs a single leaf. Freezes. Turns slowly, like a bomb defuser.
Did you just… hide to poop? I’m picking it up anyway, dude. Pooping Dog Script
Every dog owner knows. The perfect spot does not exist. Only the perfect inconvenience.